[loss of] sanity

Sitting in front of a computer for over 10 hours now, I have come to question the ability of academics to subscribe to a sane life. Currently, I feel I have hit a new level of "unkemptness" associated with solitary confinement. When this thing called a thesis is done and over [and I find myself barking up the dissertation tree] please, self, remember that advanced academia is equatable with self-induced insanity.

All I can really say about this is wow.... this is where I live. yikes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWSBqeGY9l8&feature=player_embedded

apologies

first of all, apologize for not getting anything posted in this blog for so long. it just sort of becomes overwhelming when I haven't added anything in so long and I just have so much to talk about. So, forgive me please.

The last couple days have been great. I have had some really great events going on and I know that I am working on the right things in life. But, before I get to that... I should let everyone know that Mikey is doing well and has nearly recovered. For those of you that didn't know... Mikey had h1n1 and bronchitis. This ended up consisting of him on the couch for 6 days straight; his highest temp. was 104 degrees... Needless to say, he was a sick boy... but, he is doing much better now and is just trying to catch up on homework.

One night when I went to get mikey some medicine at the store, I slammed my finger in the car door. I thought I was going to die... and now, 6 days later it is in a little finger holder thingy and the dr. believes it is broken... so, as you can imagine, typing is quite interesting.

Last night GCP held their annual Fargo fundraiser. It was wonderful to be in the company of so many great students and supporters of the project. They do such amazing work and I have formed some truly great relationships with the staff members in the organization... it's like being around old friends :) But, not only did I have the opportunity to attend, I was asked to speak at it. I really struggled to decide on the topic that I wanted to devote my time to.... but, after much contemplation, I chose to talk about Leidy. I brought a picture of her with me... and as soon as I started talking about her in front of the audience I started crying. She's just so sweet and has brought so much happiness to me and I really miss her a lot. I was able to get through most of her story without making too much of a fool of myself.... I was just so grateful to have been asked to share my experience with such a great group of people.

Yesterday I also did my first safe zone training without Kara. For those of you who don't know what Safezone is... it's a two-hour training session that provides people with information regarding to LGBT individuals. The training can be tricky because language becomes so important for this population. After 2 years I finally conquered it without Kara.

The day before that, Neto Atkinson did an in-studio painting on NDSU's campus. It was so great to have him and his energy on campus. It was also wonderful to have the Service Students back together to laugh and reminisce. The painting turned out amazing and a photo of Neto even wound up in the Forum. It's just been a really great few days and I am oh-so-grateful for it!

mirrored

Lately I've been feeling quite nostalgic. guatemala has been weighing heavily on my mind and I am missing it immensely. Sometimes it just takes sitting down and focusing on reflecting for the emotions and feelings to come.... sometimes they stay buried below the surface, but sometimes... they flow quite freely. I have found that the right music often helps bring these feelings out. Currently, regina spektor's human of the year song... specifically at minute 1:57... is helping me to release some of this... it's such a beautiful little insert to this song... it's quickly become one of my favorite pieces ever. Anywho, enough of the staging to this post.... I can't really explain it fully, but I just feel like a piece of me is still in Guatemala.... Ithink about my sponsor child, Leidy, every day. I feel so lucky to know people who are in Guatemala that can ease my mind a bit; they update me on the happenings and allow me to feel connected to the world down there. For instance, two specific experienes in the last weeks have delighted me. Someone from the office in Bismarck recently visited Guatemala and spontaneously took a picture of Leidy and her family. After having a brief conversation with her, she sent me the picture... which made my day... Leidy was featured with a huge smile on her face...wearing the tank top I sent her only weeks before. Her smile is pure radiancy and I just adore that little girl. Here is the picture I received...



Another connection to guatemala has allowed me to get daily updates regarding Leidy and what's going on with her each day. A fellow NDSU grad is living and volunteering down in Antigua and after asking him to keep tabs on leidy, he's had consistent conversations with her on a near daily basis. I asked him to seek her out and give her a hug from me whenever possible. He shares with me, their conversations and how she's doing. I love having that connection to her and having her know that I am thinking about her every day. I am awaiting the response to what her favorite subject in school is and what her favorite color is. I can't wait to see her in May when I get to travel down again. I have also been unable to quench my desire to learn more about guatemala and the atrocious history the country and its people have endured. I have a new sense of understanding for what these people have lived through and more fully understand the struggles and barriers that have been purposefully placed to inhibit their growth and success as a country. The fact that our country has played such an integral and awful role in this history often leaves me ashamed to identify myself as an american. it's difficult to identify with a country that has had so little grace for other nations and its people.

in the last weeks I have been focusing more on my thesis... and i have fallen under the spell of mr. paulo freire. now, i know that he has his critiques, and I am well aware of that. but, for the first time in my life, i read a piece of literature that named something for me. banking education and the release from it allowed me to feel like the feelings i have toward the education system are legitimate and that the work i'm trying to do is founded in deeper theoretical research. it puts a smile on my face to be able to tie my love of social justice with my love of education and the teaching of a critical pedagogy. i am so excited to have been able to tie these things together for my thesis and to really feel like i am furthering my self development. i think people are often writing a thesis to get a piece of paper... i am writing a thesis to discover more about myself and what i can do to further my pursuit in life. . . it's truly been a great experience thus far and i can't wait to see where it leads me as i continue to move forward.

even though this semester has been crazy with the number of obligations i have commited myself to, i have fully impressed myself with my ability to stick to a routine. i have been running 3-5 times a week ( in the MORNING... for those of you who know me... you understand what a feat this is!). I can't tell you how much I love returning from a good long run in the morning and drinking my cup of coffee to prep for a long day of teaching, learning, reading and working. It's really been a piece of the puzzle that has made me feel much more human. It's true... running is addicting.

there's just been so much going on and i know that i have dropped the ball on the blog. reflecting on things is often just cumbersome to think about.... but, i am trying to devote more time to thinking about all that is going on.

for now, i must be off to delve into the world of social theory....

I've been holding off...

to post until I uploaded my photos from San Francisco. But, I still have yet to upload those photos and it is now nearly two weeks later. I will do my best to get those darn photos uploaded soon... they really are fun :) A lot has happened since I last updated. I quit my job... I suppose that's the biggie. While in San Francisco, I had a revelation that made me realize that I needed to get back on track with my academics and ultimately, my thesis. My last day was August 14th. Since then, I have enjoyed doing a lot of reading, cleaning, and getting things back-on-track. I also have been putting in a few hours at NDSU to get prepped to start my assistantship again. I can't believe that we start school in only 4 days... where on Earth did this summer go? It's been nothing short of crazy. Beyond that though, we have had some recent visitors to the F-M that have been very nice! Michael's parents were here, as were his sister Serena and her husband Mike and their 5 little kids... :) And tonight, Jason (another of Michael's siblings) is coming with his family. We are really excited to see them... as it's been since their devastating fire in early November since I've seen them. I have been lax on taking photos to document all of these great visits... but, I will do my best to take some photos today/tonight when Jason and the fam. get here.
I also must pay homage to my day of substitue sitting for the owner of the Najmania blog. If you are a parent and want some laughs... you should check out this blog.. http://najmania.blogspot.com/ or, in my case if you just love reading about what it's really like to parent... you should check out this blog.. http://najmania.blogspot.com/ I am always laughing when I read it... But, the day with those boys was great. I really enjoyed them thoroughly and even though the youngest little guy got in trouble for not being nice to me, I really think he was just doing what was natural, testing his waters with the new authority figure. I enjoyed myself completely and am excited to make a return appearnace to their household.

Michael and I are currently enjoying the luxuries of heaven... yes, that's right.. we have discovered heaven on Earth. We haven't had much time to spend together due to my long hours working with the campaign and with trying to get things back in order before all the family came to town, so we decided to check ourselves into the Staybrdige Suites hotel last night. Little did we know, that we were entering heaven on Earth. You see, this isn't your average hotel; this is something much, much more. They serve dinner. Yes, you read that right... They serve dinner, and all-you-can-drink free beer and wine... Yup, you read that right again. They also have unlimited fountain soda, milk, coffee, and juice. As if that's not enough, they have a swimming pool, jaccuzzi, sauna, in-room kitchenette, down comforter and pillows, tv on a swivel stand (so it can be turned in all sorts of directions), a breakfast BUFFET that included bacon, and of course, WIFI internet. Oh, and did I mention that we were thoroughly blown away by all of this? Well, we were and still are. We have really enjoyed spending some time together and it is allowing us to recharge our symbolic batteries before school gets up and going again... in four days.... !!!

But, Michael is watching animal planet and pleaing that we make a return appearance to the pool... so, with that, I hope you're doing well and I will work on getting those photos up soon!

Go Together Like Peanut Butter and Jelly

What you're asking.... go together like peanut butter and jelly? Well, let me just tell you...

+




=

Friends Forever.

I simply cannot describe the level of excitement that I have for my approaching trip to San Francisco. I am so eager to be amidst like-minded people who are interested in engaging in thoughtful conversations about the world around us. The Sociology conference is going to be great! I am equally excited to see the Golden Gate Bridge and the Castro. I will surely take pictures and document them upon my return. Please leave me any advice that you feel may be beneficial during my stay in San Fran.

life as of late

My life = The Campaign toward real healthcare reform. Here are a few of the things that I've been up to in the last weeks.... and seriously, my life consists of nothing more than 12 hour work days and sleep when it's possible. For all of you who think I'm purposely avoiding you.... think again!

A day of stalking the senator ended with this shot :)

looking for Conrad at Meritcare...

Healthcare rally on the Main Ave. Bridge

3,000 letters and postcards from people who WANT CHANGE

in Conrad's office when delivering the cards/letters

7.28.09 healthcare press conference outside pomeroy's office in Fargo

photos

Mikey and I got the opportunity to model for a local photographer's photo shoot... how do you think we did?

I don't mean to belabor the fact that it's been crazy here..... but, it's been CRAZY! The campaign for healthcare reform is in FULL swing and we are working 12-hour days on a regular (and consistent) basis. It's been an incredible challenge, but my fellow organizers have pressed me to push on and work toward being a part of some of the most important legislation to ever occur during my generation. This is our time, generation y, to flex our political muscle and show that we're really made of something real and that we're willing to put in the long days to ensure that CHANGE happens.

The other night my fellow organizers and I did some canvassing in one of the low-income areas of Fargo-Moorhead. For anyone who doesn't believe that poverty exists in this community, I challenge you to move beyond your neighborhood and pleasantries and really go examine the way that we're allowing our community members to live. To put it simply, no human being should be living in the conditions that we witnessed. I know that often canvassers are seen as a nuisance, but for many of these people, we were a link to the world that provided an opportunity to use their voice. This population that is so often shunned and ignored was sought out specifically to be provided with the tools needed to contact their delegation and let them know how important this effort is. I don't know that I'll ever know or experience anything closer to the definition of empowerment. I will take that memory and put it in my back pocket and carry it with me always.

On another note, yesterday I got a card from Leidy, my sponsor child in Guatemala. She was holding the package that I had sent down for her about a month ago. I can't even explain how excited I was to get that card. When I see her smile, I can't help but to grin myself. The long days and taxing hours can make it hard to remember the humanity in life, and this card really pushed home the reason that I started and am still doing this work. There are injustices in this world that need attention and I hope to be part of the answer.

keep on keepin' on

The last weeks have been absolutely insane. There is no other way to describe it. I started my job with with the Change that Works Campaign a few weeks back. The campaign is focused on attaining health care reform that would allow ALL Americans access to QUALITY, AFFORDABLE health care. My story, like many others, hinges on the fact that the current system renders people helpless and uninsured. The lack of access to health care is devastating people's lives all over the state and country. Day after day I hear horror stories of lives and futures lost due to the seriously broken system. It's been great to work with people that are so committed to this progressive movement.... I've already learned so much from them and have grown leaps and bounds in the last weeks. They are great people that I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know. I must admit that I have been challenged incredibly by the campaign and am working diligently to try and make everything in my life mesh. It's an uphill battle, but hopefully things will soon work out and lead to a bit more of a rhythm that is sustainable. Do you have a health care story? I'd love to hear about it..... just post a comment or drop me an e-mail at: impact.the.present@gmail.com

bitter sweet sympony

This story from my experience in Guatemala is one that is constantly bouncing around in my head. I think about this man at least once a week, if not on a daily basis. He touched me. His story shaped how I think about things. I will not forget him. Ever.

Our service team was split into three groups. Each evening, one of the groups took the opportunity to serve the individuals at the Homeless Shelter run by the Nuestros Ahijados. Because there were only two instructors, I went with the third group. Little did I know, but this second trip would directly shape my world view. It would be a moment in time that I will think back to for the rest of my days.

The students served the individuals just as each other team had done. The people at the center are so grateful for the services they receive. A warm meal and a roof over their heads is something that they don't have access to otherwise. This homeless shelther is the only one in Central America. Just think for a second about how backward that is.... there are millions of people who need the assistance, and there simply aren't resources to serve them.

Anyway, while the students were washing the dishes, I had the chance to chat with a few of the individuals at the Center. I was completely taken aback when one individual spoke to me in perfect, accent-free English. I spun around and proceeded to see him translating for others around him. He was sharing their thanks for our service. I kneeled down to be at eye-level with him and shared with him the purpose of our service team and that we were thankful that they had allowed us to serve them. That we were hoping to do our part to ensure that they knew we care about them. He asked why people would come and do such work; especially people from America. I responded by detailing the notion that our group was there to garner a world view. To better connect with the rest of the globe's inhabitants.

By this time, he and I were just chatting, the others had moved on to other things. He looked at me and told me that my group and I were great people. I looked him in the eye and responded by telling him that he, too, was a great human being and that the only thing that separated the two of us was chance. This conversation allowed me to share the common experience of humanity because there truly wasn't anything inherently different about us. We were two people living completely different lives, but I could have just as easily been in his place or he in mine. After I told him that he was a good person, he told me that I shouldn't say things like that. For a moment I felt that I had overstepped my boundary and that I had intruded on a past that he didn't want to share. But, I followed it up by saying that we shared the common human experience and that he simply had faced different barriers in his lifetime. I repeated myself, tell him that he was indeed a good person and that he deserved the best in life. He just looked at me and said, you really shouldn't say such things..... you're going to make me cry. At that point, I was holding back tears and hoping that he understood that I was being entirely sincere.

He shared with me that he was adopted as a child and grew up in Oregon with his adoptive family. He had lived the luxury of America but had decided to return to Guatemala. He had lost everything and was now standing before me embarassed to be in such a condition where he was forced to use the toilet and shower in front of me, a woman. That his life had been reduced to something that he was ashamed of.

Just as we began to move on in the conversation, Hector tapped me with his umbrella and told me that it was time to head back to our host families.

The gentleman looked me in the eyes and said words that I'll never forget, "Thank you for coming here; I hope that we will meet up some day in the states and I can help you like you've helped me here."

I walked out of the shelter holding back tears knowing that I had accomplished everything I had set out to do on this journey.

fun in the summa time

In honor of our roommate's birthday, we hit up Lindenwood Park for some tandem biking action. Anyone who tells you that tandem bikes are easy to ride is lying. They were much more difficult than I could have imagined.... and, they require complete trust in the person in the front.... due to the fact that the rear person has absolutely no control AND can't see around them either. It's basically like pedaling without a cause... you have no idea where you're going or what's in front of you. We probably looked ridiculous... but we had us some fun :)

Mr. Mikey down by the Red River (when it's not flooding, it's quite nice)

We discovered that Mikey simply can not handle being on the back of the tandem bike. Oh, did I mention that our bike had bent handlebars, a crooked seat and squeeky brakes? Yeah... it did. That could have affected Mikey's ability to relinquish control... but, while I took Liz and I for a spin in the commander position, Codie and Mikey rocked it together on the tandem. I think they should invest in some Friends Forever bracelets.

At one point Mikey just rode the tandem by himself :)

Needless to say, we had a good time and it's a memory that we won't soon forget!

No Stopping... Anytime

This sign's content seems to relay how I've felt since returning from my adventure in Guatemala. Actually, this is how I've felt for months now to be quite honest. There never seems to be quite enough minutes in an hour or hours in a day to fully accomplish things. Yes, I may complete things, but completing them doesn't necessarily mean that I am finished with them. Since returning from Guatemala, my life has done anything but allow me to stop and reflect. To sit and stare off into the clouds and process that which I saw, felt, and experienced. I have desperately tried to make time to do such activities, but I feel as if I've failed miserably. The brief moments that I've taken to update this blog and a few conversations with other service participants are the extent to which I've been able to reflect on my experiences. I know that many people may never feel the need to process vacations, trips, or service experiences, but for me, an academic at heart, this is one of the only ways I know how to survive. Connecting theoretical dots and expanding perspectives and paradigms is what keeps me intrigued by the world. It's never just a "walk in the park." That walk in the park is always an observation, a critique, an examination of the world around me. It's something that I've always loved, but I now have the resources and tools to begin to analyze that which surrounds me. Anyway, the point of this introduction is to say that I need to do a better job of providing myself with adequate time to nourish my creative, theoretical, mind-enriching side. . . While my mental state has been somewhat stalled; my physical life has moved forward quite immensely.

For starters, I got a new job. I say "a" new job because it is one of many jobs that I have currently committed myself to. How many jobs you ask?... well, let me tell you...

Job A. Updating University Websites.

• This involves transferring everything from one web page over to another newer model that is consistent with the rest of our University. It's tons of fun... let me tell you!

Job B. (The NEW Job) Community Organizer

• This, I am VERY excited for. I will be working with SEIU's (service employees international union) Change that Works Campaign. Basically, our charge is to achieve comprehensive health care for all Americans as well as revamp the current worker's union system to allow for better worker's rights. I am really eager to get under way with this and get a move on some progressive change! I am also VERY excited that with this job, comes FULL benefits. This may not sound that great to you... but because I've been uninsured since we got married 5 years ago... I am VERY eager to go to the dentist :)
  

Job C. Research

• My Advisor, Dr. Christina Weber, and I are writing a research paper based on the service trip in Guatemala. We are analyzing student journals and using critical consciousness models to better understand their learning process.

Job D. Student

• It's that time.... THESIS! I'm actually really excited about this. It's been a long time in the making, but I am finally embarking on my thesis for my Master's. I have a general topic area and am working to establish a foundation for moving this all along!

Job E. Graduate Assistant for Equity and Diversity Center

• This one technically is only during the academic year, but due to the Change that Works Campaign running a bit into August, I am trying to get some of the hours and responsibilities taken care of and started prior to that time. So, this is more conceptual, organizing and planning that is taking place.

Job F. Transcriber

• My BFF Erienne's transcriber fell through.... so, I am going to make a bit of extra bank and rock the transcribing!

I think that's it. Needless to say.... I am really busy. With all of these endeavors comes prep time and planning. I usually have my nose buried in a book with a cup of coffee within an arm's reach. I'm not even sure how I accomplish it all, now that I look at the list, but I guess this is the life of a graduate student/community activist. So, as I continue to integrate my every-day life back in the states with the memories and experiences from Guatemala I will continue to post. I find it intriguing and rewarding to know that people find something to relate to with my posts. I hope you've enjoyed!

a linking pin exposed

I have always been fascinated with tattoos, but until my visit in Guatemala, I was unaware of their ability to act as a common ground and bring people together. I got my second tattoo last August, an owl that is perched permanently on my right arm, constantly reminding me of all the crucial knowledge I've gained....and all that I have left to discover. Her name is avocado, named after a story involving Florrinda, the woman that my group built a house for last year. I love my tattoo. It's feminine, big-eyed and has a large heart over its chest, representing my eternal love for the search of wisdom and wonder. Anyway, unbeknownst to me, tattoos on women in Guatemala are a rare exception. The children (and often adults alike) were captivated by avocado and were constantly asking questions about it and taking their turn rubbing it (just to see if it would, in fact, rub off). The children often ran at me wide-eyed and grinning when they caught a glimpse of my arm from across the Center. It was wonderful for them to be so interested in something that is so personal to me. I loved their interest in it. It brought us together and allowed me to have some truly unique conversations with many of the children. I must add that once they were within hugging distance, they weren't safe from my arms... :)



Again, I truly loved how awed the children were by the artwork, but... it was the adults that offered story after story relating to their own works of art. After a discussion with an individual that had lived through (and served during) the 36-year Guatemalan Civil war, I had sent the students off to journal and was reflecting while sitting on a stoop near the volunteer office at the Center. He walked up to me, and in our broken English/Spanish, he was able to convey that he, too, had a tattoo. He proceeded to lift the sleeve of his shirt to expose a Quetzal bird on this upper left arm. The tattoo was clearly aged, as it was faded and the colors bled. I couldn't believe what he said next.... This, was his mark of his involvement with the Guatemalan military; this was his war tattoo. He, was physically marked for life by the government that has devastated so much and so many. I was speechless. I thanked him for his openness and his gracious desire to share that story with me. Little did he know that I had previously had plans to get a Quetzal bird tattooed on me upon my return... to symbolize all that I've learned about the world and myself while serving in Guatemala. In that very moment, I quickly decided that, that specific marker represented something very different than I hoped to convey with the potential artwork that floated through my mind. I have since drastically shifted my conceptions of my next piece... but, I'll get to that later.

Another story came tumbling out while on a bus to a clothing distribution. Another member of the GCP staff engaged in a conversation about the pieces that he wears daily. His, symbols that stand as reminders to stay calm and collected even if the world around you is in dissaray. The other, a self-done piece from early adolescence. Again, the stories exposing pieces of a journey that last a lifetime.

In yet another situation, another of the GCP workers asked open-ended questions about my piece, and I freely told of its purpose to remind me on a daily basis of what it is that I am passionate about. This led to conversations that involved personal histories and life encounters. This person later also engaged in conversations with others in our group who dawned pieces. The shared experience and common ground that is forged through this art form is incredible. I could not be more proud to wear my owl each and every day... because now it carries with it a whole new kind of story; the story of others. I have memories that I have shared with countless other individuals based solely on its existence.. and for that, I really am grateful.

Now, for the next piece that I plan to get. Every day on our walk to the Dreamer Center, we walked passed a tree-lined street. I remember the trees from last year. They are cute, nearly-circular trees that look almost comic-book like. I love them. They warm my heart. I am having an artist design a piece to place on my back... the location of support and growth ... it will be a full back piece with a small Quetzal bird nested in the branches of its comic-book character. I will post images once it's rendered.. but for now, my eagerness for its conception is pouring over.

These experiences, again, taught me the power of the human experience and how connected and similar we all truly are. Thank you to those who shared their stories; those are memories I shall carry with me as I move forward in the world.

My story

While at the Dreamer Center, we were fortunate to hear the stories of some of those who work closest with the Nuestros Ahijados. Last year, I had hoped to hear about the lives of those who we came to know, as we spent nearly every hour of our 10-day stay with them, but our time in Antigua simply wasn't enough to solidify relationships open enough to hear such personal stories. This year, however, was different. The men at GCP opened themselves up to our service team. The warm embrace that we felt by them is something that I simply can't describe in words. They compromised their privacy and revealed to us, the lives that they lived and led them to where they are today. While their histories are much too personal and detailed to articulate here, I will suffice it to say that hearing the words that they spoke was incredible, moving and sincere. I felt as if I was in listening to audio from a movie, a novel exposing the atrocities of war and poverty. But, I was hearing, listening to, experiencing, the lives of those who granted entry into these difficult memories. Childhoods cut short by life's events; children assuming far too much responsibility for any adult, little own a child of only 8-10 years.

My students were equally moved and I know that the words that they heard from their build leaders and volunteer coordinators changed their lives. I know this, because they've told me. They wrote about it in their journals; how the openness and willingness of these men to divulge their difficult pasts put a face to the project's name. When they hear the words poverty, abandonment and massacre, they will have faces and memories to associate with those words. They have friends who have experienced these lives. No longer are statistics in a book cold and removed; they have seen the effects of war, death, and violence... and have been forever changed because of it.

Now, after we'd heard some of these stories, I wish I would have done my part to contribute to the discussions. My life story is far less graphic or emotional.. however, I've learned in recent days that it is still a story, and one worth telling. I was given an opportunity to speak to women attending the NEW leadership institute this last week. 50 area women commit to a week-long conference where they learn how to engage in activism and politics. I was a panelist for the community activist component; it was an honor to even stand before such women... and I must say that I felt wholly unsuited for the title of "guest panelist." We were instructed to speak about our journey for 10-15 minutes... at which time I spoke of the life that had led me to the place that I currently call the present. I left out few details and tried to be as open and honest as possible. I included stories about Leidy and my recent journey to Guatemala.... ensuring that I was doing my part to use my voice. When I was completed with the tales of coming into community activism, I felt as if I'd spoken too fast and been somewhat disjointed in my discussion.

After the panel, the 5 panelists were split up into smaller groups with participants. As soon as we sat down, I had women telling me that they were inspired by my story. I was taken aback. I had one women come up to me, nearly immediately and tell me her coming out story; that none of her family knew due to fear of them shunning and disowning her. Another women told me that she had begun to cry while I spoke. Again, I was in disbelief. My story had affected others. The things I've done; the things' I've experienced have the ability to impact people; and to positively impact them at that. While we went around and introduced ourselves, one woman quietly stated that she had appreciated my openness and my willingness to divulge personal components of my journey to where I am today. Her statement caught me off guard and it wasn't until everyone had introduced themselves that I decided to follow up with her. I recounted the stories that I had so recently heard from my friends at the Dreamer Center. The lives that these men had been willing to share. The courage that it must have taken to relive those moments in their past for the hope that it would change the way that others viewed the world. I told her that they inspired me, usually a very private person, to tell how I came to be where I am and how I deal with the things that I've seen every day. How I wake up each morning and continue to tackle issues as enormous as inequality and oppression.

That speaking engagement was a full-circle moment. I discovered that I, too, have something to provide those around me with... and that even though it is uncomfortable, and often emotional it is necessary that we each tell our story. This is where I send my thanks to those who so graciously embraced my plea to share their oral history and ultimately inspired me to use my voice as well. This, to me, is what changing the world one person at a time looks like.

juxtaposition

As I've stated numerous times now, transitioning back into life here in the states has been more of a challenge than I ever expected. The drastic difference between the lifestyles of people here in the states with those in Antigua, Guatemala is appalling... and enough to make me physically ill. Some of you are perhaps thinking that I am going to transition into how difficult it was to use outdoor bathrooms or trying to hone in on what on earth it was that I ate that allowed me the pleasure of contracting E. Coli.. but, that's not at all where I'm going. The current disgust that I feel is toward the the American lifestyle; the desire to consume, consume, consume and then consume some more. The socialization of always wanting more... at the expense of others.... as millions of people die each day due to the lack of a serving of rice or beans.

The week after our return, Fargo held its annual Spring Cleanup Week. As the piles of items accumulated on my city block, I began to become outraged... Perfectly good items- barbeques, washers, dryers, bicycles, snow blowers, couches, mattresses, wall hangings, holiday decorations; you name it.. it was on someone's curb, waiting to be picked up and hauled away to the landfill. All of these items could have, for the most part, found a forever home at the local boys ranch or goodwill, but instead... laziness and convenience overcame residents and they simply hauled it to their front curb for disposal in the dump.

As I saw these endless piles of items, all I could think was how the money that it took to purchase these items could save thousands of lives in Guatemala. If people simply thought about their global neighbors for even a minute a day, this world would be a very different place. And if people aren't able to control their urge to purchase things, the least that could have been done was taken a trip to the local thrift store in effort to assist others. I mean, what I saw on the curb of most homes amounted to double, and even triple of all posessions of Guatemalan families. It's disturbing, devastating, and sickening to know what American society has instilled into us as normal.

While we have a difficult time normalizing Guatemalans' use of bathrooms that are nothing more than a hole in the ground, I wonder what they'd think about our lifestyles. About the sheer ignorance for the rest of the world. For turning a cheek to hunger and poverty. On the flight home I thought about what it would be like for our build leader, Hector, to visit the states. All I could think was that he would be overcome with disbelief, anger, and resentment at the lives that we live. That we are profiting off of the work that those in third-world countries labor over. That life here isn't really blissful.. but, rather it's ignorant and apalling... that it's disturbing that the most we do is schedule out 10 days a year to travel to another country and work for a few days. I guess, what I'm trying to say is that I think we've normalized American and Western consumerism and ideals far too much... and if we step back and look at it, it's perhaps the most disturbing culture of them all.

an image can be a thousand words

As I was sorting through the images that my students took, I found this one. It is just a simple and quick picture that was snapped in a split second, without me even realizing it.... but, its presence has been cathartic and calming for me. Through this image, I am able to transport myself back to that instant toward the end of the journey, where I was in a very different place than when I arrived. My critical eye has analysis written all over it. My non-verbals are baring my true emotion; guarded, yet yearning for more, for a deeper understanding and awareness of it all. I simply found myself not being able to keep my eyes peeled enough through this journey. The fear of missing something pertinent or something that would connect the dots on in a theoretical perspective kept me hyper sensitive through the entire trip. In this picture I see
anger, resentment, hope, fulfillment and inspiration.... to keep telling the stories of those who so openly embraced me in Guatemala.

Test, Test, 1, 2, 3

One of the hardest things about traveling for me is the last part; coming home. The reason for this is because even as I sit here trying my best to articulate my experiences, I succumb to the overwhelming notion that I simply can not portray the emotions that I felt in the limited and finite vocabulary that I have been provided. I become silenced by my own desire to speak and the realization that there is no way that what I felt, what I heard, what I did can ever be conveyed in mere language.

One of the things that I ground into my students is that they HAVE to learn how to talk about this experience. That it can't be an adventure that they just put up on the shelf with all their other vacations and trinkets from around the world. This experience is much more and therefore we are obligated to talk about the things that we witnessed/felt/did. The problem with this, is that it's incredibly difficult to talk about the feelings we had while there.

This is where I allow my patience to wear thin with myself. It's a test.... and one that I feel that I am currently failing miserably at. In the next four days, I am going to do my best to TRY to articulate how the wheels in my head were turning while serving in Guatemala.

my Leidy

Serendipity... it's a strange word that doesn't get used nearly enough.. perhaps because there aren't very many times when it is fitting for the occasion. I; however, experienced serendipity while serving in Guatemala and am eager to tell you about it.

This experience in Guatemala was incredibly different than last year's stay. I wasn't sure if anything could top last year's experience, but I think that this time around, I was more aware of what was going on and therefore it led to a much richer and more fulfilling experience. We did things that were different from the previous trip... things that were much more fulfilling and awe-inspiring. Those stories are yet to come.... they will... but for now, I must switch gears.

When we first got to the Dreamer Center on Monday, we had the opportunity to hang out with some of the kids for the afternoon. The area is incredibly lively, as there are hundreds of kids running around freely and happily. The center acts as a refuge from the violence, poverty and sadness that runs rampant in the streets of Guatemala. The center's beauty is indescribable if it's never been witnessed/experienced because not only is it visually beautiful, the significance that it holds symbolically to so many young people is more than it's physical worth. There was a young girl with a big beautiful smile that was running around with our students on that Monday afternoon. She was fun, and bright and really had something magnetic about her. The students played with her for much of the afternoon, and it wasn't until the next night that we learned of her home life. On Tuesday night, a group of us volunteered at the project's homeless shelter. We weren't expecting this beautiful little girl to run up and greet us when we got there. Leidy (pronounced Lady) had just showered and her hair was neatly combed. She wore her smile so wonderfully and joyfully. It made it hit home to all of us just how real it was for these kids in Antigua. Here was this wonderful little lady who was living in the homeless shelter... which is nothing more than a tile-floored room. There are no beds, no pillows, no blankets. There aren't doors on the showers and there aren't stalls for the bathrooms. The showers, toilets and wash facilities are all open air and completely visible to anyone within the center. It's humbling and heart-crushing to know where she goes each night.

We continued to see her as the week went on, and continued to thoroughly enjoy her company. The last day, when we were tying up loose ends, I was asked to come over away from the group for a minute. Victor, the service team coordinator, had my future sponsor child standing there with him. I had been prodding Victor for the entire time we were there telling him that I wanted to sponsor a child. I knew that I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to make it work... but, I knew I had to. The people of Guatemala have SO little and I have been blessed with SO much. The least I can do is give up some splurges to support a young girl's dreams of an education. Anyway, the girl that I saw when Victor brought me over to the girl with the most need, was Leidy. Standing there with her infectious smile and sweet face.... my heart melted and she just grabbed me and hugged me and held me for the next 20 or so minutes. It was incredible... I am so incredibly honored to be her "madrina" or her godmother, as they are called by the Nuestros Ahijados. I can't describe how wonderful it was to actually get to meet her and interact with her... she's truly an incredible little girl that I am so eager to get to know as the years go on. Today I packed up a little package for her and sent it back with some volunteers who happened to be in Fargo this weekend. Some stickers, bubbles, a couple new shirts.... and a picture of the two of us together. It's something so special... I strongly encourage you to change the life of a young child at the Center. If you're interested in sponsoring a child for about $28/month, please let me know... I guarantee you'll get as much out of the experience as you put in. I feel so incredibly grateful for my amazing experience with The God's Child Project.. It's truly a magical place where children are given the tools to succeed in life.